She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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