Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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