I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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