I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
