fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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