I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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