It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
