would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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