My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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