We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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