filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
