She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
