The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
