Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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