I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
