I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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