some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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