Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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