The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
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I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
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Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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