I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
