please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This is my gift to your gina
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
