Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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