This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? ðŸ˜‚ðŸ˜‚