hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
