Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
