guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
