I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
