You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
