i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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