the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
