I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
