that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
