Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
