did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
