Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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