I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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