Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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