Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
there is glitter all over my balls
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
