I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
