We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
