I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
