Sponge bath it is.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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