dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
