oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
