my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
