why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
