Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
