we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
