you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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