so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
