I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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