I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Welp...herpes.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
