So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
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I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
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I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize