It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize