He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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