How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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