He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
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As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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