They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
