It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I want a musical about memes.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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